A good life without passions, somehow

I've realized, slowly over the last years that I've been in college, that I really have lost key passions. For the longest time, I have tried or actually succeeded in convincing myself that I'm fairly focused and not only fairly good at the things I do, but I also am passionate about them. I realize that this is fairly incorrect. Ever since I decided to drop horses, art school, and golf, I have felt utterly lacking in any sort of direction, passion, and competence. I have changed my majors and career goals every other week and while I like English and history of art, there are moments when I feel I will eventually contribute nothing to society. I felt like when I was trying out being a vet, I could really make a difference in animal science and medicine, since a lot of discoveries in animal medicine can eventually become theories for human medicine. I like animals, generally more than people. But I was disheartened by my job, the vets, and the clients with whom I worked. I was disheartened by my grades in the classes I needed. I switched to something that made more sense in my mind: languages and art. I became an art history major after growing up an artist and while I like art history, I sometimes resent that I'm studying art rather than creating it. Really, really resent it.

I resent lots of things about who I have become. Overall, I am happy. I have great housemates, a wonderful boyfriend, half of my family is fantastic, and I generally enjoy what I do. But I don't love much of anything. Maybe its because I never focus enough anymore to become good at a new task. I gave up on fencing when I broke my leg, I think I've given up on Latin, Italian is fading fast, and I'm training for a marathon not because I really like to run, but because I want to stay and shape and without a bigger picture, I can't make myself get up off my ass and exercise. Additionally, while I feel it's good to do things for yourself regardless of how you stack up to others, I am so fucking slow it's irritating. I've been golfing again but it feels futile too, what's the point? It's a great game and all, but I'll never be as good as I once was because I don't have the time to work on it. Golfing for fun seems a bit empty. I realize that I won't even play enough this year to build a new handicap. Golf made me hate myself and everyone else around me, but when I played well and placed well, there was nothing better. I worked hard, and while I never really did well in tournaments, my handicap dropped and dropped and I could say that I was an 8 and that felt pretty good. Besides the fact that I have lost all technical skills for painting and drawing, I feel like the creative side of my brain has shriveled up and died. I can't even think of how to creatively express myself anymore. I used to write a lot, short stories or just make up ideas for things and never really write them down, but just develop them in my head. I no longer do this. I stifled my creativity by studying the creativity of others.

There's a huge lack of focus. I thought about all the things I want to do this last year of school and it's just not possible. I'll have two jobs, sixteen credits, the marathon, hopefully golfing a bit, I want to take an art class, I'd like to get into yoga or pilates, volunteering at the therapeutic riding center, being a conversation partner, working on Latin and Italian when I'm not taking either, be involved with the possible philanthropy group that will be forming from DSIP, visiting my parents and grandparents more often, studying for the GRE, cutting into the booklist, journaling more frequently, going to happy hour, cooking more challenging items, being more active with my friends, sleeping better, writing more letters, I've even thought about getting into cycling to get off my knees...it's not going to happen. I always say I love depth better than breadth, but clearly this is not the case. I gave up on things I used to do and I hate starting things off fresh. Not because I don't like learning, but I am used to being the best at things. One of the best artists, golfers, academics, teachers etc.

I'm not upset that I didn't play golf at college. After I talked to the coach, I am 95% sure that if I would have tried out that I would have made the team and had been red-shirted. I know others handle being student athletes fine, but I think I would have imploded. Ideally, there would have been a really good school with a D-II team that I could have played on, but there is only one D-II school in the state and not only is the team treated like a D-I, but it's GVSU and like hell if I would have gone there. Or a club team. Or a B team (like they have at MSU). But they didn't and I quit.

I'm not upset that I didn't go to art school. I never took criticism well and our high school classes were so unstructured that I think the transition might have killed me. I didn't do well with deadlines or projects and enjoyed the last two years of high school where I hid in the supply closet/Independent study work space and did my own thing. I think I would have burned out. Ideally, I would have gone to a school where the art school and the general studies program are not different entities or dual enrolling is not such a pain in the ass.

Somehow, though, day to day, I feel pretty good. I'm pretty happy with my life. The emotional ups-and-downs I had in high school and early college have gone away. I wonder if it is because I have let part of myself just evaporate. I miss being on a team, being competitive, honestly being good at something. I spend most of my day intensively stalking people on the Internet and feeling extremely bored at work, go home, run, shower, eat, watch a movie, and don't get enough sleep. I hate feeling average (I guess this is a blank statement, I don't think anyone really likes to feel average) and it's a sad day when you realize you have let yourself become nothing but. I feel like all my successes, all feelings of achievement, all sense of self-accomplishment, exist primarily if not solely in the past tense.

This post is about as uplifting as Dancer in the Dark.